• The Gaudie

Tale of Goldilocks and The Three Bears

A Pornographic Review

by Snap Bickerman

photo by Jean Beaufort

The classic Grimm Brothers fairy tale of Goldilocks and the Three Hairy Apex Predators House she wanders into had many versions in television before being taken in by pornography. Admittedly, most of these were in quaint retellings by cartoon vegetables or hyper-intelligent talking dogs, if like me, you grew up in the USA in the 90’s.

In this pornographer’s retelling, a young, blond, curly-haired, long-legged, want-to-be actress goes searching for an eccentric headshot photographer who lives in a queer wood near Beverly Hills. She gets lost on the way, going through a series of misfortunes and getting steadily more dishevelled as she loses articles of clothes as they snag on trees, or in one case, get eaten by chipmunks. Eventually, she ends up at a mansion - constructed along the lines of a log cabin - looking like a tawdry despicable thing compared to the high heeled Femme Fatale figure she was when she started her journey.

The erotic filmmakers here really seem to go out of their way to capture how vanity undermines our ideas of how we are attractive and eventually turns us all into slutty-trashy wrecks in our search for our own validation through the attention of others.

She goes into the mansion, exclaiming in a sultry voice: “maybe the people who live here will help me”. The sound of Tom Waits’s throaty singing permeates the empty mansion on entering, and I appreciate that when she finds the three bears in their lavish bedroom, they are big muscled gay men in the midst of dirty dress up games. I do think the men’s costumes could have been better chosen; a big strong gay man in a business suit is a fine choice, but the one in a fur-rimmed leather vest was tediously predictable. I can’t fathom why the third was wearing lederhosen, unless this was meant as a reference to the Grimm fairy-tales’ German roots? In any case, the pornography follows utterly expected tract from there on when the tawdry looking blonde spies on them and they discover her and make her stay to fuck as “punishment” for watching covertly.

However, the plot at the end was all worth the kinky tedium when the hot gay men take off their skin-like body suits and turn out to be actual bears that eat her. You cannot beat the irreverent comedy in pornography, because nobody can tell them not to do something when they are already filming society’s most outrageous taboos. This film gets two boners up for its absurd humour and an innovative adaptation of a classic children’s tale which transforms it into a depraved nightmare. But only one limp dick for poor storytelling, as it did not find a more interesting way to move the erotic action forward with the ‘voyeur caught and punished’ rubbish.