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  • Writer's pictureThe Gaudie

Soap or Subterfuge?

Or how I learned to stop worrying and eat soap

by Mark Velvet

There comes a point in every person’s life where they must purchase some soap, and in this modern world, there are so many options to choose from, ranging from cheap and cheerful supermarket brands to high-end, luxury scented soaps. But of course, being the environmentally conscious, eco-friendly student that you are, there’s really only one brand to consider – LUSH. Now, make no mistakes about it, this is no advertisement. Although the products made by LUSH use natural ingredients, and zero packaging creates zero consumer waste, there is one huge problem I have with many of the soaps available for purchase. A dilemma which keeps me awake at night. I want to eat them. 

Now I’m not crazy, I do really know somewhere deep in the dark recesses of my mind that the soap on display isn’t food, but it’s also really not my fault that they make it look so damn appetising. Fake food isn’t a new phenomenon- for example, there is a huge industry in creating realistic food for adverts. PVA glue is often used to simulate milk! But LUSH really takes the cake in making soap that looks like cake without even trying.

Let’s start with some of the basic, but probably delicious tasting soap bars. “Each Peach” and “Hottie” are clearly thick slabs of rich white chocolate that would rival anything Cadbury makes, and the “Scrubee” bee-themed bar is just a scaled-up version of those white chocolate mice that you’d find in your 50p mix bag. Maybe you’d prefer a more grown-up dessert, like “Ro’s Argan,” a presumably rich, velvety chocolate fudge brownie, topped with what can only be assumed to be walnuts.

Maybe all this talk of chocolate you can’t even eat is making you crave a healthier snack? “Oatifix” is so obviously a big, hearty bowl of freshly made humus, just waiting for you to dip some breadsticks in. You’ll almost forget it’s supposed to be a face mask. Let’s not forget the worst offenders; LUSH’s avocado soap, which you would be so easily forgiven for mistaking as a huge wheel of creamy Edam cheese, complete with a bright red wax seal, or “Sultana of Soap” a rich, crumbly Wensleydale with real-deal cranberries and apricots to further blur the line between food and fiction.

We live in strange times. While we are constantly being told what we can and can’t eat, on the grounds of being too unhealthy, or too fatty, or too poisonous, the demand for deceptive, food-themed lies has never been higher. Let’s not forget the unfortunately named urinal cakes. Truly, the strongest possible test of will in our society is walking into a LUSH store, and not taste-testing the produce.

Although anyone who tries to eat a bath bomb is mad.


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