top of page
  • Writer's pictureSatire

Sir Keir Starmer Announces First AI Manifesto at Conference

“A New New Labour?”

By Josh Brown

Image Credits: Rwendland via Creative Commons

Son of a toolmaker, Keir Starmer, has unveiled his party’s secret weapon to win the keys to 10 Downing Street in the next general election. During his speech at the Labour party conference in Liverpool he announced Labour's radical “vision for a sensible future”. An AI generated manifesto which follows the old adage of “the truth is somewhere in the middle''. It manages to combine the extreme ideas of the public and plop out an exciting solution. Examples from the manifesto include only privatizing half of the NHS. Starmer hails this as a revolutionary path to compromise and cooperation.

This included the idea to let the current leader of the Conservative party stay on as an advisor to Kier in Downing Street so that he can see what they would do, and then outflank them from the right, all with the goal of attracting conservative voters. This follows weeks after the working-class hero proposed holding his own Conservative party conference to display to the country his extreme moderateness.

The Manifesto sets out an exciting vision of continuing to follow current government policy but being a bit nicer about everything. The AI manifesto posits a solution to the immigration crisis: We will continue to send people to Rwanda, but once a year one lucky winner gets sent to Disneyland before ultimately being sent to Rwanda. It is this kind of out of the box liberal humanitarianism that will return us to decency. Starmer said to those who criticise him for being no different than the Tories, “I grew up in a pebble-dashed semi, and I have a red tie, whereas Rishi has a blue tie.” The manifesto sets out to please every faction of every party, except the pinko ones. Could this be the key to uniting our divided little island, that for so long has been taken for granted by an Eton mess of toffs? I say yes! This bold and bright vision to renationalise and reprivatize can bring hope to the hearts of millions. To Invade the Middle East again, but this time for the right reasons. Last but not least, the prospective leader promised to thaw out Tony Blair who has been cryogenically frozen since leaving power, Tony would be allowed to roam the halls of 10 Downing Street and would replace Larry the cat.

The breakout of violence in the Middle East comes at a bad time for Sir Keir, who, troubled by the scenes of horrific barbarism, feared that he may have to take a stance on something. Fortunately for Keir western liberal consensus was reached pretty swiftly and his speechwriters were able to copy and paste the speeches of Rishi Sunak. What was once a challenging and nuanced issue has become straightforward for the opposition leader, who can now use this conflict as another stick to beat extremists within his party.

Keir Starmer seems certain to become the next Prime Minister and it isn’t hard to see why, with such strong held convictions and a sincere vision, this revolutionary was always destined to capture the public's heart. With polling greatly in favour of the red team it seems like Keir will receive a large majority in parliament at the next election. I can’t help but worry that it may be difficult to remain fair and moderate with such an overwhelming grasp on power. It is my firm belief that Starmer must form a coalition, Conservative-Labour government to achieve the bland consensus this country needs.


bottom of page