Sir Ian Diamond caught pretending to be a golden statue of himself
by Il Porco Rosso
Collage by Parel Wilmering; images courtesy of Colin Smith via geograph.org.uk and Michael Hughes via Flickr
On the 3rd of June, ex-principal Sir Ian ‘Babyface’ Diamond was found standing perfectly still outside Marischal College, allegedly hiding from University authorities by pretending to be a really good statue of himself.
In a recent exchange of tweets, the University of Aberdeen politely asked Ian to be a good sport and pay back £119,000 out of the £600,000 he was paid in his last year as Principal.
Six months ago, the University hired two secret detectives to spy on the former Principal, who owes the university a sum amount of £119,000. In an attempt to avoid the payment, Diamond escaped the public eye by disguising himself as a statue (of himself) and posing dramatically outside Marischal College.
Coated in gold paint and looking like an overgrown Ferrero Rocher, passers-by presumed Ian Diamond to be an ordinary street artist who was just trying to make a living. “He was actually very good”, reported one eyewitness. Another passer-by described Sir Diamond as “holding one golden-coated arm stretched towards the sky, as if yearning for God’s mercy. His eyes betrayed a trembling fear, his sinful heart beating to the distant rhythms of his infernal doom. Hearken! How loud the bells toll for him!”. Another witness said: “One of the best living statues to ever busk the granite streets!”
The former Principal eventually revealed his identity when he was allegedly attacked by a seagull on one of his lunchbreaks. Onlookers of the spectacle recall him wresting the gulls, yelling “YOU IMBECILIC BIRDS! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO I AM?! I AM SIR IAN DIAMOND, UK’S NATIONAL STATISTICIAN AND FORMER PRINCIPAL OF THE UNIVERSITY OF ABERDEEN, YOU BIRDBRAIN DUMBWITS!” before supposedly taking a bite out of one the seagulls.
One citizen, inspired by the events, sent The Gaudie a haiku:
Thief in broad daylight
Silent like a granite stone,
Judged by screaming gulls.
However, Sir Ian Diamond escaped before authorities arrived at the scene. He was last seen hastily climbing down a manhole while flipping the middle finger. The detectives assume he lives in the sewers now, and are searching for any evidence which might lead to his location.
This is not the first time Ian Diamond has been caught pretending to be a statue. At the beginning of the investigation last year, Diamond was arrested for posing completely naked in the Aberdeen Art Gallery, possibly pretending to be the famous Renaissance sculpture, David by Michelangelo.