• The Gaudie

Rumours of Hefner’s Death Refuted

by Playbunny Judas

image via Wikimedia Commons by Alexander Hauk


Reports came in on Tuesday that American businessman and Playboy founder, Hugh Hefner, is in fact not dead. Rumours of his death are said to have appeared as a result of his choosing to focus wholeheartedly on his second career: as the Pope, Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, and Supreme Pontiff of the Catholic Church.


Taking on the stage-name Francis, Hefner has occupied this office since 2013.


“He’s been travelling back and forth between Los Angeles and the Vatican for years”,

A Playboy Mansion insider tells The Gaudie.

“I think at heart, he always liked the mitre better than the smoking jacket.”


Given the decrease in sums spent on paedophilia investigations, Hefner can now look to the Vatican for a stable income.


The insider continues:

“He was always really passionate about the Pope gig. He’s even been trying to make the Playboy Mansion more like the Vatican. ‘Pope’ being Latin for ‘father’, he wanted to be called ‘Daddy’ around the house. He’s also been into the Madonna as a symbol for a really long time.”


When asked whether this refers to the Holy Virgin or Madonna the singer, the insider said that they had no idea.


The news have not completely evaded negative reactions, however. As human rights activists have pointed out, Hefner’s relocation to the Vatican means the loss of a patron for a significant number of Los Angeles-based models, actresses and singers.


At the time of writing, the Pope has not commented on any of this, but preparations have been made to relocate Marilyn Monroe’s remains to the Vatican.