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  • Writer's pictureSatire

Primark to launch new line of exclusively ill-fated impulse purchases

Updated: Oct 24, 2023

The new line is a collaboration with the shopping cart feature on its website.

By Maggie Johnson

Primark has finally decided to start catering to what its customers actually buy in the store: unnecessary, last-minute items. You know the kind of things you pick up when you run to Primark to grab a last-minute Halloween costume? Now, for a limited time, they’re all in one place!

The new line features several key items:

1. A shirt that looks great on the model, no need to try it on

Exclusively available online, this item cannot be returned. If the model who was hired on the basis of looking good in clothing can pull it off, surely you can too!

2. Socks with monkeys that are cute in the store but you will never wear out because you are not four years old

These socks are right next to the cash register, and can serve as the obligatory Primark ‘I’ve already spent too much money today’ purchase.

3. A decorative plate that will not fit on any surface in your flat

Featuring one or more of the following words: Gather, Family, or Eat. It will come with a display stand engineered to break immediately upon purchase.

4. A coffee-table book on mindfulness you will never read

As an added bonus, it will cost £25!

5. String lights with a battery type only produced in Asia

Batteries not included, obviously. At least now you have a reason to plan a trip! Who says Primark doesn’t support its customers?

6. Matching Valentine’s Day sweaters for you and your pet

If you aren’t the same clothing size as your pet, that’s on you, because they only come in one-size-fits-all-species. (This item only available August-November).

7. A clock with hands that don’t move, but with a very cute colour scheme

A broken clock is right three times a day if you misread it once! Plus it probably kind of matches the pillow you bought five years ago.

“Of course these items will not have a reduced price just because they’re worthless”, says a Primark representative (who wishes to remain anonymous). “We have to make profits somehow!” he responded, when asked to elaborate on this business model.

Happy shopping!


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