• The Gaudie

Pineapple Does Not belong on Pizza

A Belated Rebuttal.


by Meeagrab Arim

image via GoodFreePhotos


Many moons ago, this paper printed an article arguing in favour of placing the sweet abomination of pineapple with the glorious savoury of pizza. At the end of this article it was stated that an appropriate rebuttal would be published in order to offer balance and bring truth. Regrettably, despite several requests from rightfully outraged readers this did not happen in due haste. However, that time is here, almost two years on, and littered with failed analogies of Brexit.


The previous article stated that 53% of the British public feel pineapple should be allowed as a pizza topping, 3% of a margin being fairly narrow, and opening up questions about the validity of the question, the arguments the public may have been mislead by, or the involvement of Russian money in the study.


Corruption by the international pineapple cartel has been known for decades, and instead covered up by cowardice of those without the meatballs to stand for their pine-ciples.


They also cited and subsequently dismissed experts on the topic, such as the Prime Minister of Iceland, who said he would ban the topping, and Gordon Ramsay agreed with this sentiment. A blatant disregard for expert opinion on the point of food is unacceptable and dangerous. While I’m all for ‘freedom of choice’, a pizzeria offering to sprinkle something so out of place and stomach churning on their food would be like mixing a petrol station and a nursery.


It is also commonly known that other countries have equally outlandish topping; Apricot sauce in New Zealand, broccoli in Germany, and both are abominations that should be addressed in their own time. The only solution I can see if proper education of tastes to ensure that those in the future are not subject to the same mistakes as our generation.

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