• The Gaudie

[No.] Easy Tips For Every Not-Quite-Human

It’s October, and that means high time for those among us that are only partially, or not at all human.


by Vlad D. Implara

image by glasseyes view via Flickr


In such a situation, it’s only natural (or unnatural?), but certainly understandable that you would want to look your best. You may have attempted to hunt down information in beauty magazines and styling blogs, but they tend to be aimed at people with rosier skin and shorter canines. So, here’s some advice just for you:


(I) One of the most common problems is not being able to find foundation pale enough to match skin tone. Fortunately, there are plenty of ways to make your own, quick and easy. The traditional technique of grinding the bones of your enemies to dust and applying it with a fine brush may have fallen out of fashion because of supply issues and recent EU regulation, but a good alternative is using bone china instead of bones. Just make sure it really is pure white without decorations, you wouldn’t want blue-tinted foundation after all. Another option is combining lead and egg whites – sometimes decried because of the danger of lead poisoning, but that should be of little concern to the undead among you.


(II) The past few centuries may have been all about filing down your fangs to pass as human, but let me tell you: not any more. It’s the 21st century and it’s time to go wild with your fangs. Needle-thin, slanted, jagged, asymmetrical, and just straight-up natural are all on the table in this new age of fang freedom. Just make sure to keep them clean and healthy.


(III) Mirrors have been an issue for us ever since they were invented. You’ve probably never bothered with them much, and that’s cool! But here’s the thing: originally mirrors didn’t work for us because they were made of silver, which, as some of you know… well. Nowadays, however, most mirrors are made with aluminium, and only refuse to display vampires out of habit or some misplaced delusion of grandeur. With a bit of patience, you can get your mirror to display your image just fine. If you are in a hurry, however, a good trick is to simply cover your entire face in a thin layer of foundation before applying any other makeup.


(IV) Bats. The hottest, most sought-after accessory of the decade. Bats go with anything, anywhere, in any number from one to a hundred. Whether you have them casually dangling from your ears, topping off a complicated hairstyle, or strategically placed all over your clothing so that you can erupt into a dramatic cloud of silent fluttering at appropriate moments, bats can do it all. You have to make sure that they are well tended to, of course. For a fluffy coat and shiny eyes, make sure you feed them a regular, balanced, and species-appropriate diet, make sure they aren’t lonely, and let them out every night. Keep them away from light and loud noise as much as you can to ensure that you’ll be able to enjoy your bats for a long time.


Happy Halloween!

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