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  • Writer's pictureSatire

Next Climate Conference Taking Place On Tatooine

It's said to be lovely this time of year

By Jakub Ivanecky

With the COP26 climate conference in Glasgow wrapping up, the world leaders have enjoyed their field trip together and decided to see each other again, with Joe Biden finally getting Scott Morrison´s Snapchat, in case he forgets his name again. Although, Barack Obama´s “Emerald Isle” quote whilst talking about Scotland and quoting Shakespeare, certainly overshadows this gaffe in the category of “most American behaviour” ever.

The line-up of this conference has been outstanding. Australia's Prime Minister, Scott Morrison, promised to stop groping coal in the parliament, one of his favourite hobbies, while on the other hand, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan agreed to stop using it instead of his heart, though, the resemblance is rather uncanny. America has promised that it will stop looking for fossil fuels in the Middle East, and focus on the search for the remaining democracies it left there. Not to be outdone, Britain has promised to stop supplying oil to Boris Johnson's hair, a sizable commitment. The top spot however was reserved by the champions of fighting climate change, Russia and China, who made sure that no emissions will be produced on their journey, staying in their respective countries and ignoring the conference all together.

Unfortunately, the complex industrial process of telling the truth has been deemed as “polluting” to the social discourse and has been put to the side under the new programme known as Net Craps Given Zero by 2050. This will entail complex procedures such as stalling, as Denmark and Holland need to start constructing their glass domes against rising sea levels. This “Northern Atlantis” has been nominated for the next climate conference in 2030, however dissenting opinion has been noticed from Brazil, refusing to attend the summit, as they are not used to the common temperatures of Amsterdam, at that point estimated to be roughly 32 degrees.

To accommodate this reality, as well as a growing need to reach out to the youth, the new location of the summit will be the planet Tatooine, located in the Outer Rim of our Galaxy, also known as Gibraltar. The travel will be arranged via our ambassadors to space: Richard Branson, Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos, pioneers in penile-shaped logistics and incidentally enough, owners of a 55% share of the entire planet´s breathable air. Reaching the planet will be easy, as it would only require roughly a decade to see the Earth terraformed into a 1:1 one model of Tatooine, the first and last of its kind.


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