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  • Writer's pictureSatire

Local Aberdeen Student: "I'm Not Stressed"

Updated: Oct 24, 2023

An investigation into this shocking claim

By Maggie Johnson

Photo credit: Pixabay

As Aberdeen University moves past the halfway point of the semester, many students are staring down piles of overdue assignments, halfway-finished essays, and unrevised notes. Ask anyone on campus– they’ll tell you how many tens of hours they’ve spent in the library (mostly on their phone) this week. “I’ve used every single bathroom in the Sir Duncan Rice Library at this point”, says one student, who was found in a caffeine-induced coma in the King’s College lecture hall.

The faculty have a different view on the crisis. “This all could’ve been avoided”, says one lecturer, “if the students just kept up with the syllabus provided”.** But, as is widely known, it is far too late for that for many students.

However, the Gaudie will be the first to break the news of a new, shocking claim! One student (who wishes not to be identified by name to avoid jealous looks on campus), has stated that they “aren’t stressed at all”.

The logical course of action upon hearing this statement is to assume that this student is in denial. However, when pressed for more information, they explained that they have “planned out their work week to make it manageable,” and “have already completed several assignments due in December” to ensure that their stress-free state persists.

This remarkable student seems to have, somehow, planned ahead! Their study methods are unorthodox: they concentrate on one assignment at a time, stay hydrated, and sleep for nine (!) hours a night. Additionally, to this reporter’s shock, they also have a social life. They go out on the weekend, but when they don’t have the social energy for an event, they “just say no thank you”!

In another remarkable twist, the student revealed late in the interview that they were in the middle of writing their dissertation. It was at this point that this author concluded that they were in fact an alien, designed to make the general population of Aberdeen University more motivated to study.

**Note: This author would like to acknowledge that this statement may be inflammatory, and would like to remind readers that this is not her own opinion.


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