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  • Writer's pictureSatire

Local Aberdeen Seagull Leader to Step Down, Appoint Successor

Updated: Oct 24, 2023

A new administration takes hold

By Maggie Johnson

Photo Credit: Pixabay

Late in the day last Tuesday, a shocking announcement was made within the greater Aberdeen area seagull community. The longtime leader of the seagulls, Gullivan MacGulligan, has decided to step down ahead of the end of his appointed life term.

This news comes as a shock to the community at large, as it is customary for seagull leaders to serve until the end of their life. However, MacGulligan explained that he was stepping down early to “spend time with [his] wife and his 36 baby gulls”. Although he is only 14 (Note: 70 in seagull years), he hopes to spend the last quarter of his lifetime pursuing retirement and spending time in his beachside home.

MacGulligan’s wife is reportedly overjoyed with his retirement, as she has always wanted to “take an extended trip to Cove Bay '', which would have been impossible with her husband’s schedule keeping him closer to the outlet River Don. Apparently, seagulls fly a lot slower than one might imagine.

Some highlights of MacGulligan’s tenure include his commitment to the 3 Aberdeen Seagull Initiatives (3ASI). For those unfamiliar, the 3ASI are as follows:

  1. Be Enormous: Aberdeen seagulls are renowned for their size, but this doesn’t come without intense community effort. Aberdeen seagulls have to eat a lot of trash to maintain their extraordinary build.

  2. Be Everywhere: Aberdeen would not be Aberdeen without seagulls everywhere. On land? Yes. Miles from the shore? Yes. In your house? If Gullivan MacGulligan had anything to do with it.

  3. Attack the Snack: Constant seagull vigilance is required to keep up with the rising levels of people eating on the streets. If you’re eating something from J.G. Ross and a seagull doesn’t attack you out of nowhere, MacGulligan’s team has to work overtime to make up for it.

The new leader will be officially announced tomorrow by MacGulligan, who is expected to do the ceremonial “Last Defecation on a Tourist '' that any gull leaving a post of community service customarily performs. However it is widely rumoured to be C. Gullman III, a rising star in the Aberdeen seagull community. When asked about the possibility, he said that he was “excited to support the terrorising of the human community in whatever capacity [he] can” under this new administration.

Several seagulls within MacGulligan’s inner circle have expressed their concern that MacGulligan’s successor will not be able to maintain the truly staggering numbers of gulls that he managed to make available to attack pedestrians. However, the Chief of Seagull Staff has a vote of confidence for his new boss. “If you have half the ability to terrorise snacking humans that Gullivan MacGulligan had, then we’re in good hands,” he said.

Deepest regards from us at the Gaudie to Gullivan MacGulligan. We thank him for his service to the Aberdeen community.


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