Jamie Oliver’s Classist Eton Mess
A British Favourite!
by J. Oliver
image courtesy of Acabashi via Wikimedia Commons
Recently I’ve been terribly busy working to raise awareness over childhood obesity and campaigning to have taxes on sugary drinks introduced. Unfortunately, some people have accused my campaign of being ignorant to the struggles of the working class when it comes to buying and cooking fresh, healthy meals from scratch. Since bad press is damaging to my brand, I’ve offered the Gaudie a cheap, simple recipe in the form of an old-school Eton Mess to show that I don’t only create recipes for people who have holiday homes. Remember, sugary high calorie meals are alright as long as you shop at M&S.
This year I fell off the Sunday Times Rich list so now I can actually really empathise with poor students and serfs. I’ve included some tips and tricks on sourcing the best ingredients at the lowest prices (or something like that) for you common people.
6 large free-range egg whites. I get my eggs from my pet Barnevelder chickens. They live in the garden of my £9 million Highgate mansion- but I’ve heard you can also find eggs in Waitrose, and sometimes on the ground near chickens.
300 g golden caster sugar, plus extra for sprinkling. I have mine directly imported from the Golden Grove Sugar Company in Jamaica . It was actually during a holiday there that I got the inspiration to create my much-loved Punchy Authentic Jerk Rice. Scrumptious!
500 g organic fresh berries, such as strawberries, raspberries and blackberries. Great money saving tip: if you can’t afford to buy fresh berries why not try foraging for some in the bushes at your local park? Ah, this takes me back to my boyhood in the Scouts where we’d pretend to be moneyless peasants for a week. Such fun!
1 vanilla pod and 1 teaspoon vanilla bean paste. These aren’t really necessary but I’m just saying you have to buy them because I’m a difficult bitch. If you’re really struggling you could try checking out nearby food banks? Apparently, they exist.
250 ml double cream. Support local producers by shopping at dairy stalls in farmers’ markets. This is totally realistic because there are farmers’ markets around every corner. I’m sure you can find them in schemes and slum housing estates too.
1 tablespoon icing sugar. Get it while it’s cheap (before I start campaigning for a sugar tax on icing too).
50 g dark chocolate (70% cocoa solids). Make healthy lifestyle choices by swapping sweet milk chocolate for bitter dark chocolate. Remember, sugar is evil and the root of all welfare issues in the UK.
Cooking time: 1h 30m, plus cooling.
Oh, what’s that? You don’t have time to make my recipe due to your unpredictable and exhausting work schedule at your minimum wage zero-hours contract job?
Never mind then.