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  • Writer's pictureSatire

J.K. Rowling Said She’d Rather Do Sex Work Than Respect Pronouns

No One Is Asking Her To Do This

By Marlee Silverman

Photo Credit: RDNE Stock Project via Pexels

In what can only be assumed to be a threat, J.K. Rowling has recently taken to Twitter to say she would start an OnlyFans account rather than respect people’s pronouns. We aren’t sure why she said this. We are all incredibly afraid. She is continuously tweeting “I’ll do it, I’ll do it. Don’t tempt me.” This is a very serious matter. Sources have confirmed that her account has not been hacked and she is posting this by choice. No one has given her this ultimatum and honestly, everyone thinks this isn’t about pronouns at all. Rowling just really wants to start an OnlyFans — a horrifying thought to say the least. If she does create an account and I have to report on it, I’m quitting immediately. I don’t get paid enough for that.

Despite backlash from transphobic remarks and just being generally annoying, Rowling is not facing any financial problems that would lead her to do something like this. It must be a passion project of sorts. This could be a desperate attempt to stay relevant in an age where people don’t care about that wizard guy anymore, but it begs the question: is this really worth it, Joanne? Of course everyone would like her to respect personal pronouns, but no one is threatening her in any way with violence or sex work. They aren’t even related. Rowling could just be promoting her new career endeavour. 

It may be possible that she has no intention of creating an OnlyFans account and is simply stating the lengths she will go to in order to disrespect trans people. To that I say, this is actually a pretty good threat. I hate to say it, but I mean come on. On the other side of this, it is possible that all of her transphobic outbursts have been a way to attract attention so people still care about her when she starts her OnlyFans account. 

However, the more she tweets, the more people are losing hope that she isn’t serious. As she continues to fill her Twitter with posts about starting her OnlyFans, the future is looking more and more bleak. Rowling has said in a tweet that as a TERF, this is the only option to cement her identity as a woman and assert her femininity. Joanne, please, there has got to be other options. Consider interpretive dance, basket weaving, or even feeling joy. Now may be a smart time to delete Twitter and possibly cancel that phone plan. It’s the only way to be truly safe. 

I’m throwing up everywhere; I really don’t get paid enough for this. I went to university for journalism, why is this what I’m being forced to report on? How do I go home to my wife after this? She thinks I’m a professional. Is this what my life has come to? Reporting on this lady’s godless tweets? What happens when I go to my daughter’s school to teach the class about my job? My old classmates are covering politics, climate change, and new technology, yet here I am making a mockery of my profession.


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