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  • Writer's pictureSatire

How to Remain a Filthy Little Inside Girl Even When the Weather is Nice

Updated: Oct 24, 2023

If you’re looking forward to frolicking in fields, this isn’t for you

By Maggie Johnson

Image by Sergey Gorbachev via Pixabay

As the UK gears up for summer, the pressure to spend time outside is mounting. The sun and warm weather are waking up even the coldest of hearts, and more and more people are considering a fun little hike.

However, not all of us are outside girlies at heart. This article is for all of us who would prefer to rot away the summer in the comfort of our bedrooms. Don’t bow to peer pressure!

Tip 1. Never, under any circumstances, change out of your pyjamas. This is the easiest way for people to try and make plans – if they think you are available and ready to walk out of the door, you will be invited to places.

Tip 2. Do not allow yourself to get bored. If you run out of shows to watch, find a podcast. If you run out of podcasts, find a book. But do not, for one second, permit the idea that outside will be more interesting to cross your mind.

Tip 3. Unfollow any fitness gurus on social media. You need to get that outside-peddling nonsense out of your life, girl. They aren’t having fun on their bike rides and roller skating days, they’re actually sweaty and tired.

Tip 4. Break up with your boyfriend if he wants to go for a hike. That is not the kind of energy that a good partner for an inside girl should be bringing into the summer.

Tip 5. Invest in a good pillow. There is nothing worse than feeling uncomfortable in your bed (your sanctuary) and then using it as an excuse to go out. Outside is where the world is, and it is too scary.

Tip 6. DO NOT buy any cute outfits. Who are they for, huh? Someone outside to see?? I don’t think so. Stay in your sweats.

Tip 7. Invest in a fan or some air conditioning. Having your windows open to air out your room is the number one cause of accidental trips outside the house. Too much sun has actually proved to be dangerous, as verified by the fact that I just made this up.

Tip 8. Fake an injury. This is a foolproof way of keeping pesky flatmates or family off your back. “Can you go for a walk and then some boba?” “No, my, y’know, leg has been acting up *gesturing vaguely*”. Works every time.

There will be people who are trying to keep us quiet. But us inside girls must rally together. Repeat after me: there is nothing wrong with staying inside. Following these rules will hopefully prevent the worst of it. If for some reason you are tricked or bamboozled into an outing, godspeed sister. You will get through it, and one day you will return to your cool, dark cave of a room.


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