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  • Writer's pictureSatire

Graduation ceremonies to be held at McDonald’s

‘New venue will be a real “quarter pounder”’ say University

By Wagril Slane

Aberdeen University have announced graduation ceremonies are switching venues once again – to the Kittybrewster branch of McDonald’s.

The latest change comes after celebrations have transferred in recent years from the vaulted gothic Mitchell Hall to the still-quite-imposing Elphinstone Hall, to a charismatic but undeniably tent-like marquee, and most recently to a big metal shed next to Aberdeen Airport best known for sanitary product sales conventions.

The University has denied the latest move to the burger chain is a cost-cutting exercise, or that the change is a slap in the face for those who chose Aberdeen only because campus bosses endlessly promote how ancient and pretty it is.

‘We are constantly looking for ways to enrich our student experience – this isn’t about cost-cutting,’ Trudie Lize, Head of University Cost-Cutting, told The Gaudie. ‘McDonalds is a world leader in sophisticated banqueting experiences and couldn’t be a more appropriate setting for the culmination of our customer, I mean student, journeys. Some of our luckiest graduates might even end up working there themselves one day, at least perhaps after a PhD. Also, the University gets to shift responsibility for Covid-19 precautions onto someone else, and best of all those pesky striking lecturers can’t picket it.’

‘We’ve even heard that our Principal, Doctor Professor Boing, will be travelling up from Wales, where he definitely doesn’t live, especially for the ceremony,’ she continued. ‘Like the tooth fairy, many believe Sir Lord Boing to be a magical legend, but I can assure our customers he is making time in his busy schedule of Eisteddfods, sheep-shearing contests, Three Feathers games and furtive drives up and down the M5 to be with us this year. Galactic Emperor Boing will formally issue degrees using a ‘drive-through’ order screen and, in a further nod to the surroundings, tap each new graduate’s shoulder with a Chicken McNugget instead of a parchment scroll. There will also be the opportunity for ice creams, should by chance the machine be working, and of course to pose for a professional photograph in graduation robes with Ronald McDonald’.

After the ceremony, graduates and their guests will be invited to visit the ornately landscaped Kittybrewster Retail Park, parts of which date back as far as the late 1990s. Guided tours of B&M Bargains and Sports Direct will run at regular intervals through the day.

AUSA’s VP of Enhancing Things, N. Thusiaztiq, told The Gaudie he can’t wait for the “McCeremonies”. ‘Our wonderful students have been through so much, and done so well, they deserve a good bit of enhancing,’ he said. ‘And if there’s one thing that enhances students even more than two minutes with a dog, it’s an enhancing visit to McDonalds. After all, nobody was enhanced by a 15th century ivy-clad chapel or Bishop Whatever lying on his tomb being mediaeval, were they? The day will no longer be about just getting a degree but getting a clever folded paper ketchup thing! And a complicated, never-ending Monopoly sticker game! And a dog! Actually no, not a dog. Not this time. No dog. Sadface. Enhance! Enhance!’

The Gaudie has also discovered leaked documents showing the University is soon to become entirely sponsored by the fast food corporation. The Sir Duncan Rice is to be rebranded the Sir Duncan Fries, and the MacRobert will henceforth be the McFlurry Building. Meanwhile, in a key move to pretend to make campus more sustainable, McDonald’s Apple Pies will be installed inside the roofs of all academic buildings, after tests showed their ability to emit heat for several months.


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