The very 'hard' part of being a man
Photo courtesy of George Hodan
by Mickey Velcro
An Onahole, from the Japanese onahoru, literally translates to a portmanteau of masturbation. It is the Barbie to the dildo’s Ken. But when I bring it out at a party, it does not have the same hilarity to it. Why is that? Now I know what this might seem. It looks like I am just your average Incel shouting about how my white male life is so much worse than anyone else’s is, but I beg of you to keep reading as I think this piece will elucidate one of the worse, if not the worst, crimes against male-kind committed in history.
Masturbation isn’t exactly news. People have been doing it for ages and despite the catholic guilt associated with the solo hanky-panky, it is for the most part enjoyable. To be completely fair, women have always had a harder time expressing themselves in the unaccompanied art (mostly because of societal pressures). So, it is also fair that they shouldn’t be shamed or in any way embarrassed when they walk out of a show with a 50 cm, thigh sized, mastodon-level-threat of a dildo. Yet the same freedom is not awarded to the male lonesome warriors looking for a weapon.
Owning a sex toy is for many a source of great embarrassment but alpha mentality has completely ruined it for guys. Having a fleshlight or blow-up doll is seen as a sign of loneliness at the best of times and sadness at the worst. Moreover, the “eww” response associated with them is exponentially larger. “It’s gross because of the finish” will be what most readers will be screaming at this piece of literary greatness, but let me tell you something: just because guys don’t clean their rooms that doesn’t mean they would like to stick their pee-pee in the hand-sized equivalent of the Everglade swamps. And they are pretty easy to clean, some dolls coming with a removable tray to collect any residue that a strapping young lad might leave behind. All of these add-ons come with an increase in price of course, which brings me to my following point.
The quality of your blow-up doll should not be a sign of weakness or loneliness, but a status symbol and source of pride for the money you earned and spent well. For all intents and purposes, if you think that sweet Rolex will get you more game, why not sink 500,000 quid on a constructed companion for your solitary endeavours?
I guess my point is best summarized by a random guy on Reddit. This mastermind asks us, and society as a whole, a question that will resonate in the halls of universities worldwide for years to come… Why is it that “when a girl buys a vibrator, it’s seen as a bit of naughty fun. BUT when a guy orders a 240 Volt FuckMaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6-speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built-in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system, and a 24 pack of grey-haired, self-adhesive Merkins, he’s called a pervert?”
