• Gaudie Satire

COVID-19 Is the Best Thing Since Tapeworm, Honey!

Updated: Jan 26

The newest certified and completely safe weight loss craze is taking the United Kingdom like a plague!


By Ruairidh Macdonald


Photo by i yunmai on Unsplash


With cases of coronavirus on the rise across the country as well as the whole world, experts are quick to point out the obvious and overstated negative impacts of the COVID-19 pandemic. However, according to some concrete and totally not pieced together evidence based purely on my personal experience, I’m here to tell everyone about the best kept secret about contracting coronavirus, the amazing weight loss that comes with it! Forget about wasting time and energy sticking to a diet that makes you wish you were eating cardboard and an exercise plan devised by a personal trainer that makes you feel persecuted for treating yourself during the traumatic lockdown. Who needs them when you can get coronavirus!


Within two days of contracting the virus and beginning the self-isolation, I started to watch the pounds melt off me. It reminded me of the almost prehistoric days when losing a dramatic amount of weight in a short amount of time was only possible through the willing ingestion of a parasite like a tapeworm to intercept those takeaways before they made their way to my hips, but no more!


This method is crystal clear and undeniable! All in all, I have managed to lose over twenty kilograms over the entirety of my self-isolation. And I know what you are thinking, surely locking yourself in the house is just going to result in takeaway central and you would usually be right, however coronavirus has a trick up its sleeve, the loss of both the sense of taste and smell!


With this gone, the desire to eat anything goes completely out the window as you begin to realise that the texture of most the foods you like aren’t enough to hit the spot left to fill by the absence of their taste! This prompts the consumption of bland and typically healthy foods like soup just to keep the gears inside you turning. This prompts more weight loss as bored snacking no longer provides even a shred of serotonin and so, is abandoned very quickly after.


Overall, coronavirus is a sure-fire way to get ten days off work and or university, paired with the incredible weight loss, it makes it a deal too good to pass up! I know what I’m doing two weeks before my next holiday!


*(Side effects of this diet include death, fever, nausea, cold sweats, extreme cough, shortness of breath or difficulty breathing, fatigue, muscle or body aches, headache, completely blocked nose, diarrhoea as well as a myriad of psychological issues such as delusions, dissociation, and general insanity)


*I do not accept any liability for anyone purposefully getting COVID-19 for this diet, you guys are on your own, I’m not a doctor, I’m a guy with an arts degree.

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