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  • Writer's pictureSatire

COVID-19 Government Update: "Third time's the charm, we promise!"

The latest vaccination centre implemented in the UK, seen here in Westminister. When asked, the landlord said that they are thankful the building now has a purpose for the first time in decades.

By Jakub Ivanecky

Image by Bidyut Das from Pixabay

Prime Minister Boris Johnson is standing by his proposal to lift all restriction the July 19th, ignoring the warnings of experts, adopting the mind-set of his political idols, namely Margaret Thatcher and General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett.

Health Secretary Sajid Javid supports the official lifting of lockdown, despite his own position, saying that the daily COVID-19 cases could rise to over 100,000 a day as well as other sources recently confirming that mortalities would rise to 200 people daily under such circumstances. Number 10 has in the meantime released their new and improved app for tracking new coronavirus cases, rebranding it “LEGSTOP”, also known as the “Let God Sort Them Out” Plan. “This is the final stop on the road out of lockdown” said Javid in an address to the House of Commons. And indeed, the issue is much like a coach service; the final stop, after which the bus turns around in a few minutes just to reliably get us back to where we came from.

Of course, the Prime Minister remains actively committed to his responsibility, as much as a person who holds no responsibility for his actions can. He himself has spoken openly about the importance of masks and other protective gear, placing a questionable level of trust in the British populace. Exercises of this trust could be observed during anti-mask protests this year, in which only a handful people were arrested as well as seen during the Euro 2020 finals, in which the people of England are more than capable of processing their emotions, but were sadly lacking on the COVID-19 prevention front.

Meanwhile, celebrations of what many outlets have dubbed “Freedom Day”, are already in the late stages of preparation. Westminster has approved of the venue for one such celebration, namely Dupplin Moor, the battlefield which hosted the first skirmishes of the Second War of Scottish Independence. The officials have also selected early August to be an ideal date for this venture, just in case the Scots plan a third war, given the government´s position on another referendum.


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