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  • Writer's pictureSatire

Breaking News: This Woman Made It Home Safely, Somehow

Updated: Oct 24, 2023

An unprecedented occurrence

By Maggie Johnson

Photo Credit: Pixabay

The unthinkable has happened! A local Aberdeen woman has made it safely back to her house, despite the litany of obstacles that she and other women face on their journeys every day.

This spectacular occurrence comes as a result of the effort of the entire community. Says the woman (who wishes to remain anonymous, obviously), “I couldn’t have done it without everyone’s help.” This author assumes she is referring to the herculean effort it seems to take for men to respect a woman’s boundaries on the street.

The woman has described her harrowing journey in detail, which started on campus, and ended, miraculously, in her flat in the city centre. “I knew that my lecture was going to end after dark,” she said in response to questions about how she ended up in the dangerous situation in the first place, “but I forgot that I was a woman.” Although she could have taken a bus, that would have meant that she might have had to sit near one of those guys that give you a weird vibe that appear on buses exclusively at dusk. So she decided to walk.

Her walk went well for the first thirty seconds, until she turned the corner and lost the glow of the streetlights, and thus any semblance of safety. Undeterred, she turned on her phone torch, and hurried forward. “I’m not gonna be a statistic today” she recalls muttering, as if she ultimately had any control of the situation.

The next obstacle she faced was a series of men approaching her asking for directions, reminiscent of a game of whack-a-mole. She deftly avoided them by pretending to be on the phone with her boyfriend/dad/male landlord. “It’s possible they really were lost,” she said, “but it’s always hard to tell.”

The last barrier between her and the warm embrace of a double-locked door and tasty dinner was a dark alley that led to her building’s entrance. Sprinting through it with her keys held between her fingers did the trick, which she cheerfully described as “standard practice.” Somehow, amazingly, she had arrived safely home.

“I just want to thank everyone in the community for only being a regular amount of creepy today,” she said. When asked about her plan for the next day, she replied “I’m never going out again”, but immediately amended it, remembering that “actually I’ll probably get hungry for a takeaway in a few hours and risk it all for my curry.”


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