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  • Writer's pictureSatire

Boris Johnson on gas price shock: Some of you may die, but that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make

Updated: Jan 26, 2022

Boris Johnson, seen here remembering that hand sanisitiser is flammable and getting an amazing idea

By Ruairidh Macdonald

Boris Johnson has had to stop watching the “inspirational words” Lord Farquaad scenes in Shrek and come out to speak directly to the public about their concerns regarding the rising gas prices and the cut to universal credit coming soon.

When asked directly, the Prime Minister said that he “doesn’t believe that people will be short of food this winter”, probably having asked a diverse room of his cabinet and other government employees before coming to that conclusion. In a masterclass of political outreach, Mr. Johnson said that while food might be scarcer this winter, that employment is on the rise as are wages. This will be useful as having more money in your pocket is the first step in going to the supermarket and not being able to find any food.

During the debate in the Commons, Boris Johnson said that “rather than raising people's taxes to put more money into benefits, we want to see companies paying their workers more”, which has never been done before and will most definitely work. He continued by asking the Commons why “everyone was so cold and then could still be banging on about global warming?”, a question presumed to be a joke but he was genuinely looking for an answer.

When questioned on the repercussions to those dependent on the now cut universal credit as they are unable to be employed, the Prime Minister appeared to be possessed by the spirit of Margaret Thatcher and started muttering something about how the market will take care of everything and how hot hell is before running out the room screaming that poor people grossed her out.

With news that no one will be short of food this winter, food bank volunteers across the United Kingdom decided to pack up shop and take back all the food going to those people who are definitely not short of food. Even with food bank use increasing by 128% this time five years ago according to the Trussell Trust, the Prime Minister is always right and there must have been a mistake on the food banks’ end.

Fortunately, the crisis will most likely be resolved by the government as the older population are more dependent on heating and they are the only ones that vote for him so he will have to dust off his empathy cap and eventually do something about it, at least before they all freeze to death and can't fill out a poll card.


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