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  • Writer's pictureSatire

Boris Johnson: "It wasn't me"

Being grilled by his own party and opposition ministers of parliament as well as an ever-growing proportion of the public, the Prime Minister has addressed the accusations he broke lockdown rules.

By Ruairidh Macdonald

Boris Johnson, the current Prime Minister of the United Kingdom as of this publishing, has been in the firing line the last few weeks over growing allegations and accusations of the Downing Street lockdown parties which are suspected to have occurred during the height of restrictions back in the early of the pandemic during the original lockdown. Seen here asking NHS staff if they’d like to go for a piss-up back at his once they are off shift, the rules at the time would have made any gathering of more than two people from different households outside illegal and Mr. Johnson has been alleged to have attended a party in his residence where the rules would have been broken if the accusations are correct.

Addressing the nation this afternoon, the Prime Minister approached the podium in a sombre manner, smelling of whisky and wearing a pair of sunglasses inside a normally lit room and after clearing his throat for a few moments, he unfolded a piece of what appeared to be a piece of scrap paper and began to read as follows. “She even caught me on camera, nah, it wasn’t me, Shaggy” he said, most likely in reference to the photo of him at the party seated next to his wife as well as then advisor to the Prime Minister Dominic Cummings, before scrunching the paper into a ball and pretending to throw it like a basketball at the journalist sent from the Guardian. He then asked if anyone was busy later for a few drinks but said they had to bring their own booze before falling off the stage. We were then asked to leave and told officially that the Prime Minister was not feeling well and that the press conference was off the record, however, by the time that we had been instructed that this was the case, someone had already posted a video of the fall online, prompting most outlets there to publish their stories by the time the TikTok remixes had hit the masses.

It has been a seriously tough week for the Prime Minister after mounting pressure from his backbench and opposition calling for his resignation and his cabinet sharpening up their pitchforks ready to take his place once the opportunity presents itself, so it’s understandable that he wanted to take a day off but less understandable how his conclusion that a Shaggy lyric would somehow exonerate him from the upcoming internal investigation as well as the police investigation into the alleged Downing Street parties, but only time will tell if it does.


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