• The Gaudie

AUSA Do Boring Survey About Boring Cafe

AUSA have announced that they will be carrying out an online survey into what students want from their cafe, Union Brew.


by Wagril Slane

image by Nick Youngson


AUSA's Incommunicado Officer, Mr Kvestyan Aire, told The Gaudie the survey will enable officials to ascertain exactly how many students hate the cafe. "Although we have already carried out nine online surveys about Union Brew this semester, we are excited to have discovered yet another website where you can do them for free," said Mr Aire. "And this one even let us upload a fancy background picture of some coffee or something. We've even changed some of the questions a bit, for instance instead of asking 'What sort of food do you think we should sell in Union Brew?' we're now asking the more pertinent 'In Union Brew, what sort of food do you think we should sell?'


As an incentive, students who show the survey completed screen on their phone to AUSA Reception will be given an eco-friendly plastic teaspoon. "I know this is a step down from the branded water bottles we gave out last time," said Mr Aire, "but they were just cheap lightweight ones anyway, not the proper six quid ones everyone who did the survey was expecting. You can use your AUSA teaspoon literally thousands of times, at least until it snaps, which will probably be on the first occasion, and you can even write ‘AUSA’ on the side if you like. Let no one suggest AUSA are not generous to students!”


In the previous survey about Union Brew, held towards the end of last week, AUSA received an "impressive response". A Freedom of Information request by The Gaudie has revealed this was by Dr Eilyke Maarps, Senior Lecturer in the Department of Geography, who as a member of staff was technically ineligible to take part, and had clicked on the survey on his phone by mistake after an extended lunch in The Machar Bar.


The manager of Union Brew, Ms Tumbal Weid, welcomed the latest survey. "It must be said our profits have not been particularly high since the £85 million refurbishment of the cafe over the summer," she said. "This is quite surprising as several teams of consultants told us that by moving the counter from over there to over here and buying some uncomfortable grey plastic sofas from a derelict jobcentre our profits would go through the roof".


"However it's not all doom and gloom as we did take nearly ten pounds during Fresher's Week," she continued, "and that nice Dr Maarps of the Geography Department is a regular visitor, although I don't think he buys anything, he just staggers around looking confused asking if it's time to go home yet. We are hoping, however, things will improve with our new policy of having different opening hours every day and not telling anyone what they are, and turning the piano to face the wall so no-one can play it, which was the only thing which brought an ounce of joy to the whole sorry place".

AUSA will use Twitter to promote the survey at half-hourly intervals to the six students who haven't muted them yet.


Mr Aire confirmed that AUSA has employed several new accountants to analyze the results of the latest survey. There will first be a teambuilding think tank month away in Costa Rica followed by a complicated series of meetings and committees leading in around two years' time to a set of spreadsheets which no one will be able to understand or even remember why they were commissioned.


"Once again AUSA is putting the democratic rights of students first," said Mr Aire. "And the customers of Union Brew, and I am indeed hopeful one day that will be a plural, have no need to fear. Whatever our survey results tell us students really want from the cafe, sod all will change".

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