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  • Writer's pictureThe Gaudie

Are Rugby Lads Actually Swans?

"Yes, Maybe"

by Gaudie Correspondent for Science and Fudge Related Affairs

A recent report from the Institute of Science has led to speculation among the universities’ ornithologically minded academics, who have begun to theorise that the student rugby players associated with UK universities may actually be swans.

This comes alongside the publication of an article in Cygnus Monthly that drew similar conclusions, as well as providing greater observation of the two species’ activities. Some of the main parallels the article found between the sportsmen and Her Majesties’ winged monstrosities were the attempts both made to attract mates. The erratic flailing of the bicep muscles, and loud, semi-harmonic noises both groups generate was laid down as a primary factor in the formation of the theories.

A research fellow at University of Swansea, and frequent patron of local ponds, Professor Larry Philips had this to say on the issue:

‘They’re a bloody menace, sometimes you’re trying to have a relaxing stroll, or give the dog a bit of a run around, maybe sinking a few VKs before you go for a boogie, and then there they are. Thankfully you can usually hear them a good distance off, but not always. Then the next thing you know they’re having a go at your dog and trying to dance some poor fresher into the middle of their gaggle’.

(Prof. Phillips would like it noted that he is aware a group of swans is called a ‘bevy’ but insisted he was not going to make a joke out of this issue).

As part of The Gaudie’s investigation into the issue, we reached out to the Institute of Science’s lead zoological researcher, Henrietta Ball, who told us ‘How the hell did you get into this office?!’ before having us escorted off the premises. A further poll conducted by The Gaudie research department has concluded that, while both very annoying and unsettling to encounter in an Institute bathroom, Rugby Lads are biologically not swans.


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