• Gaudie Satire

Anti-Vaxxers Petition to Get Circumcisions Reversed

A petition has been launched by a group of anti-vaxxers calling for their foreskins to be reattached following the revelation of new alternative facts they read online.


By Ruairidh Macdonald


"Crazy anti-vaxxers protesting outside 111 Bourke Street, Melbourne" by avlxyz is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0


Shockwaves in the medical community today as a series of marches occurred in the United States in which people identifying with the anti-vaccine movement, typically known as anti-vaxxers, have called for the foreskins of their male members to be reattached. This has come following various individuals in the group discovering new information that suggests that having a foreskin decreases your natural immunity and makes you more susceptible to coronavirus.


The obviously logical request was started on Change.org and the organisers would like to know where their original foreskins are located, organising an amnesty for their safe return and when they can get them reattached in their local area. We asked multiple doctors to speak on the matter but many of them were busy tending to individuals from the group in question who were suffering with coronavirus to give us an interview. Speaking to one of the organisers of the petition, they said that they feel that Big Circumcision has gotten far too powerful over the years, “harvesting our foreskins for their own nefarious purposes” such as in the production of “face creams”, “turtlenecks and beer cosies” as well as “famously the COVID vaccine”. We tried to reach out to Big Circumcision for a statement regarding the allegations but the closest contact we could find was a urology clinic in Texas.


Failing that, the group tried a back-up plan, saying “We have tried to see if artificial foreskins were able to replicate the immunity boosting properties of the originals to no results. The ham and Silly Putty did nothing to stop any of our male members from contracting coronavirus, but we are hopeful that if our petition fails, we can run more of our own trials to see what we can attach as a replacement”. We wish them all the best in their pursuits and hope that they are one day reunited with their foreskins, wherever they might be.